Efficient
[əˈfiSHənt] adjective
(especially of a system or machine) achieving maximum productivity with minimum wasted effort or expense.
productive of desired effects especially : capable of producing desired results with little or no waste (as of time or materials)
These days corporate beans are hyper-focused on productivity, efficiency and growth. Upon inspection of said beans, it appears that the more corporate the bean, the less efficient the bean.
Let me explain:
To be continued….
Context. Interpretation. Understanding. Judgement. Acceptance. Definition. Perspective. Experience. Knowledge. Algorithm. Rabbit Hole. Blinders.
“What do you do?” is a common conversational question, it can have a variety of meanings, depending on the context of the question, the tone of the questioner, and the perception of all parties involved.
I do a lot of things. Don’t label me. Don’t put me in a box. Don’t assume you know me based on anything.
Are you an artist? sometimes. Are you a parent? Yes. Do you work? yes. What kind of work do you do? can you be more specific?
I can’t take a compliment, because I wasn’t raised receiving them.
It’s different now. I finally reached a point of realization, a place of knowing that I can’t control what anyone thinks of me, and I was never here to be approved. I know myself, I know who I am, I know what I like, I know what I am good at, I know my strengths and weaknesses. I am not here to be tolerated.
To be continued….
This morning I asked myself if it was possible to overcome stupidity, and perhaps the word close-minded would be better suited for the true question. Is it possible to explain something in a way that will make the person understand, care, or empathize?
Less then an hour later, upon opening my Instagram for a brief moment of doomscroll, a quote by Mark Twain was front and center.
No amount of evidence will ever persuade an idiot.
– Mark Twain
The quote itself was set to a chill instrumental version of gangsta’s paradise, with a black and white video of water crashing behind it.
It was in that moment that I was reminded yet again on how much energy is wasted when I attempt to explain my perspective to someone who gives no fucks about it. For now the goal is to focus on recognizing and bringing awareness to myself when I begin to spiral into explanation. To stop. Take a moment. Say nevermind and walk away.
I have changed my name a lot. Some were nicknames, some were legit, legally on paper (read part 1 here). I have also built my own brand at least a dozen times — Each time I would tear down the previous version, and start from scratch, rebuild it to something completely new… Only to feel “over it” by the time I got to the end. LOL for me.
Only a handful of those have ever seen the light of day. Most only briefly. A moment where I was so proud and so excited of my “new creation”. And ya know I would go and share it with some people (like a special sneak preview). I would share it with my besties who would say “WOOT that’s awesome! I don’t get it, but it’s awesome!” And I would share it with a person in my industry/field, usually someone that I respected or admired. Sometimes I would show my mom – that ended pretty early –
Anyway, those brand versions were really just my identity all packaged up. Which would change every few years based on whatever current special interest I had, or visual I had locked into.
Now, I would imagine You’ll have the people coming for me saying, “Well, you shouldn’t care.” No shit. I’m working through that. I’m 36. I’m a mom now. Or the people saying “oh, well it just wasn’t the right timing” Sure, no problem.
You can tell me whatever you think I want to hear or perhaps whatever you think you want to hear.
As far as why past brand iterations didn’t work? I don’t really care. Trying to understand why is not helping me today or tomorrow. All I know is that my biggest mistake, my biggest failure and regret is not just doing it. Waiting for external validation and approval…
Here’s the thing when it comes to “just doing it”. Once upon a time, I had this extreme sense of “Fuck the world”. And my mother would tell me “you’re so angry and you hate the world” and blah, blah, blah and like, yeah, maybe I did. Because it was hard as a teenager and try to wrap your head around the fact that your own mother who adopted you HATES you.
I absolutely am angry. I have every right to be.
THE BO YEARS – no W
I used to try and make my whole brand, my identity. Uh maybe you knew me at the Laura bo phase. Uh, for those of you don’t know,
My middle name is not BO. I have five bow tattoos, I have five ribbon tattoos, right? And I got three of them the summer just before I went to college my freshman year and two of them within the first year of college.
It doesn’t matter. The point is, is Why was it Bo not b-o-w? Because the first time I had it as “bow”, people said oh it’s “Laura bow” like the pronunciation was BAO. They assumed it was my last name. So I dropped the W. Back then my last name was still my fathers, MARFILIUS.
THE FIONA YEARS
I was just barely 18. Took me three more years to take my mom’s last name. Maybe you met me in high school during my Fiona years, right? Uh, it technically. Started, when I went to Camp, Sleepway camp, the same year I got kicked out of camp.
But I decided that, hey, I don’t know these fucking people. I see them for a few weeks out of the year and I don’t want to be Laura right now, right? Because I thought Laura sucked. And so I said, fine, I’m going to be Fiona and I was Fiona. Up until my freshman year of high school, where there was already a Fiona.
Her real name was Fiona. And obviously F comes before L in the in the alphabet. Um, and so I decided to go by Laura that year. That blip. The following year when I was shipped off to boarding school in Vermont, I went back to Fiona. I didn’t grow up with the name, Fiona, I didn’t have nicknames. I always wanted a nickname. I didn’t know the, uh, the the ugly side of nicknames.
To be continued…
In the midst of my increasingly ugly divorce with my soon to be ex-husband we continue to “disagree” on some seemingly universal basics. Now while some of you may be thinking — just don’t talk to him. Move out. Be the bigger person. Please kindly and disrespectfully fuck off. Three years of silence and being the bigger person got me here to this exact point.
So after a quick google search of “what makes a good father?” for the comic relief, followed by the same search of “what makes a good mother?” it has occured to me that society in this country is FUCKED. (As if we didn’t already know this.)
Below are the two images of the top things listed for each search as prepared by google.
As noted these were compiled from various sources across the web. WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK THOUGH?
*Please note I am fully aware of what MY definition of a good parent is on both sides. We will get to that.
Can we just talk about the apologize when necessary first?
To be continued….
Stop being so polite, and try being honest.
It has recently come to my attention, awareness, or top of mind that I often find myself surrounded by a bunch of people so worried about offending someone, that nobody wants to say anything at all.
Enough with the judgement, can we try to lead with curiosity?
Come from a place of understanding, or wanting to understand. Enough with the judgements, the assumptions, the snarky passive-aggressive bullshit.
Say what you mean and mean it.
For now I am calling this a memory exercise, and perhaps it should come with some sort of warning, because it may or may not unpack baggage.
Close your eyes and think back to when you were a kid, perhaps sometime in elementary school. Try to find a memory of an event, a holiday party, a school assembly, county fair, but it would be a place where you would be with your family, your parents or caregivers.
Pick one. They are deep in conversation with their friends, chit chatting away. You catch a glimpse of your name as you pass by, and it peaks your curiosity. What is being said? How is your parent describing you? What words or tone can you hear, feel, or remember?
This happened to me recently, trying to think back on how my mother used to speak about me, how she spoke to me publicly, privately, how she spoke about me with one friend, vs. how she spoke about me when she thought no one was listening, when she thought I wasn’t listening or when she thought I was… A series of words came up.
To be continued…
My Grandma was an artist, she was my father’s mother. Everyone called her eccentric. Her house was covered in plants and paintings, she had cats, and the best climbing tree in her front yard. She fed the birds and the squirrels, and pretty much all of the critters that came to visit. She also liked to “chase bears” out of the neighborhood and back into the forest. They called her the crazy bear lady, and she was the absolute BEST.
Sometimes I forget how much I adored and admired her. She spent all day painting things and talking to the animals, it sounded like the best life to me as a kid. We lost touch shortly after I cut contact with my dad, and i wish we hadn’t. After she passed, no one told me, so all of her art went who knows where and I was lucky enough to have 3 paintings given to me, one of them was of me, and I have the matching photo.
I love birds. I always have. As a kid I wanted my superpower to be flight, I wanted to fly. When I moved into my current apartment, I was ecstatic to have such a busy backyard. Mind you, this is Ridgewood, Queens.We had squirrels, Cardinals, Blue Jays, Mourning Doves, the little chickadees, Starlings, Catbirds, Woodpeckers, and most recently the Crows have moved into the neighborhood, and a Hawk has made it’s home nearby (like in the trees that border my yard nearby).
I have a special place in my heart for Cardinals and Crows. I taught my daughter to ‘call’ for the crows by calling. They always come.
To be continued….
Why do people ask “How are you?” if they don’t truly want to know?
Why does it always feel like someone is offended by the difference of opinion?
When did the general public get so fucking lazy?
Who makes all the rules?
How does advice become cliche quotes/ sayings?
Why were we told not to burn our bridges down?
What’s in a name? That famous quote by Shakespeare. I googled ‘famous quotes about names’ and a few stuck out — not sure if I qualify them as famous persay.
“Names are powerful things. They act as an identity marker and a kind of map, locating you in time and geography. More than that, they can be a compass” – Bookroo
“There’s power in naming yourself, in proclaiming to the world that this is who you are” – Brainyquote [i question this source, but will save that for another time.
“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom” –Aristotle.
A cliche one for good measure “Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken” – Oscar Wilde.
There is a common saying that feels ingrained in my head from my younger years “Make a name for yourself” it always felt so intimidating and permanent — until it didn’t. Sure it is still intimidating, but it did not take long for me to realize that a name is not permanent, neither is a reputation. I have changed my name legally 3 times. I just straight up made up a new name when I was 12 and told people at camp that my name was Fiona — I carried that name with me through my high school years at boarding school. I went back to Laura in college, but again, we were in a new place, so I made up my own nickname “Bo” and Laura Bo has stuck with me ever since.
To be continued…
I love the moon. I love when it’s a full moon. I love seeing the moon when it’s a “supermoon”. I sing my daughter to sleep every night to the tune of Moon River.
Last night was the Hunter’s Full Moon. It was beautiful. I remembered reading something in an email about using the light of the full moon to see your shadows and then making a choice. The wonderful wisdom shared by Christie Inge. Last night’s full moon was also in Gate 42 (an aspect of Human Design).
The answer to everything is 42.
I go in and out of my need to lean on Human Design, astrology, psychology, etc for understanding, self-awareness, reflection, justification and/or validation.
A part of me didn’t want to let go of the idea that “one day I’d get my shit together enough to finish everything I started.” – Christie Inge
Let’s start at context matters. Uh, and words I’ve been really on words and wanting to use the right words and on this whole like healing reflection. If you will, I’ve come to figure out that as part of my ADHD and autism and all my masking and blah blah blah.
I have cyclically — however, I don’t like saying that so — I have continuously been on some type of cycle as far as the evolution of one’s self-identity. Where I have latched on or identified with a word or an image or some type of “theme” and then somehow it becomes my entire identity… perhaps we should call it a persona though, and it can last for a month, a year, even a couple of years in some cases.
Um, But, As I’ve been trying to go back through and like, figure out who I am now. Um, and what I Keep around or evolve or Throw away or Call. Barry say goodbye to, I don’t know. Have a funeral for if you will. Um, I’ve been figuring out that I always simultaneously have a Internal battle with myself about who I want to be, who I want the world to see me as and Who.
I think the world sees me as um and those are like three very different things and I need to figure out some type of visual Support element to help me describe that. So, at this point, we know, I’m a mom. I’m a parent. I’m a partner, I’m a wife which I’m still grasping, like I’m still working through that.
Um, Because I have a lot of feelings towards that one. But my big ones are I want? I’m a maker, I’m a creative. And I am a DOT connector and I have to figure out how to Make that make sense. Two people, um, or maybe I don’t and people can interpret it how they want and it’ll either connect with them or it won’t.
Uh, canva AI. They’re I guess it’s like their free write or their magic. Right? Has been super helpful in getting some of my stuff. Better worded if you will. Or reminding me. Of words that make perfect sense for exactly what I’m trying to say. At that moment without me getting frustrated, trying to remember what the fucking word is.
But I’m also drowning in like a million other words. And Trying to not get stuck on words that I don’t want to be because I it’s so much easier to go to the negative or go to the. I know I don’t want this. So for now, we’re going to go with dot connector maker.
And there’s a part of me that wants to kind of come out and say ha I’m autistic if you know me then this makes sense because XYZ and do a whole series. With that. Um, I just have to work through all the funny examples that I’ve been pulling out.
And honestly, some of the biggest help has been from this one Instagram account, uh, the Manifesto community and it’s just this lady Holly herbig You could call her a genius. But really, it’s just the first time that I’ve had a person that has a brain similar to mine. Uh, say things that in words that make sense to me.
In in ways that resonate with me. Um, But there was something that you posted two days ago, That said, remember repelling and magnetizing happens unconsciously as a function of your aura. We can break down all those things, uh, some other time. Um, and then she goes on to say, you aren’t choosing to magnetize or repel anyone, but you can certainly feel the Winds of Change long before, others, do and know it’s time for you to leave a community or Social Circle.
I needed to know that 15 years ago because I did know it, but I didn’t know how to just say. Oh, okay, cool. And then move on. I thought there was something wrong with me so I kept trying to fight it and try and stick around and it would make me miserable because I fucking hated wherever I was, um, and I realized that like I can’t be in jobs.
For longer than two years. Three years Max and that’s only if there’s like some big thing that happens after the second year, um and maybe that would be different if I felt Uh, to like Blow with my stuff at work. Um, But it’s always like no not right now or not this and blah blah and then by the time they’re ready to do it.
I’m over it. So I realized that the biggest thing that I need to get over. Is this whole Community aspect? I keep trying to find my people and I just need to fucking be myself. And be in the world again. Um, so let’s do this.
Finding a new way to streamline a process or coming up with an innovative product idea, I thrive on the thrill of discovery and the satisfaction of making things better.
My approach may be unconventional, but thinking outside the box is essential for growth and progress.
It’s about looking at challenges from different angles/perspectives and not being afraid to try something new. After all, every expert was once a beginner, and every groundbreaking idea started as a simple thought.
Industry Experience Perspective – A DRAFT
I was just thinking about on resumes and your experience and experience that for industry to Industry. And it made me think about, How I’ve been in so many different Industries and that’s the whole reason why I’ve been successful. Like why do you want someone that’s only been in this one industry, you’re essentially bringing them on to help you.
And, Their expertise. Should bring new things to the table in A New Perspective which comes from working in different Industries. It’s like, take looking at a problem differently. Right. That’s the that’s the point. The basis of it.
