Tag: societal pressures

  • Erin is Magic. She was and is my light.

    Erin is Magic. She was and is my light.

    This is the first draft of a 2 part post. This is long overdue, but something said, today was the day to share my OG notes. Some of these were semi-transcribed voice notes from some of my first sessions with her back in 2023.

    Dear Erin,

    I don’t know where to begin. I have thanked you over and over.

    first note to Erin (after the energetic essence reading)**
    Essence reading note to EPM – HOLY SHIT. I don’t know where to begin. I wish I could give you the biggest hug. I started to listen and read yesterday and immediately started crying (in a good way). So I put it down and waited until Thea went to sleep. THANK YOU. I needed this. I have been following your journey for a bit now, and you have been a light for me. It was not until last night that I realized why. I love your honesty, I love that you bring your true authentic self to the table.

    This was exactly how I have been feeling for far too long. I had an intense cry, because every single thing I thought was what you said right after. It was a little surreal to be honest. and not long ago I acknowledged it but still felt stuck. And while I know this isn’t an instant fix and it opened up a whole bag of things I have been trying to bury, I guess I needed to feel heard, and this reading made me feel HEARD and so SEEN. I guess I needed someone to just confirm my feelings, my thoughts, and put it into words for me.

    There is so much to unpack for me here. I recently and abruptly “quit” my job and offered them some time as a transition (and also for me to do income). It came out in a burst, and I didn’t feel ready to quit, but apparently my subconscious did. The transition is supposed to be through the end of June and now may extend through July

    Side Note: I have always been hesitant about tapping into my energy “stuff”. Maybe because I wasn’t ready to go there, and part of me knows it had to do with being embarrassed/ self-conscious (not the right word).

    voice notes transcription below
    Thank you Erin P
    Okay, so about let’s talk let’s start with a year ago but like 13 months ago, uh my buddy, Johnny Mitchell. Got married in February last year to this fucking awesome, girl named Erin. Um, We’ll go into our backstory briefly in a bit, but, uh, maybe I need to do it now.

    The the first time I met Erin was at Erin’s apartment, I got shithoused because I was meeting two of my best guy college friends new girlfriends, at the same time, in the same night… And I felt so uncomfortable. (for context: I used to drink a lot when it came to social situations that was how I “loosened up”.)That was how I became the “fun girl”. Uh, also the girl that didn’t know when to stop.

    Back on topic. So Erin and I didn’t really talk. We I’ve started following her online. John and Erin got married. Let me just say I fucking love them, I love her. Uh, She has been the light for me.

    Um, And we’re coming up on a year now. I guess of the start of my healing Journey, if you will, um, And forgive me for the Sarcastic tone. When I say healing Journey, I It’s just the language makes me feel uncomfortable. We’re working on that. Back on topic.

    I’m going through my journals. So, like A year, literally a year ago, Erin offered a I think, um, it was like a past life regression session. I signed up for it, it was a free thing. I was like, you know what, let me check this out. I wasn’t ready to spend money, I think out of fear, which is dumb, I don’t know why people are so scared of paying for things that help them. Like you spend money on bullshit and the things and the Superficial shit, that you think helps you but it’s really just a coping mechanism anyway.

    So I did this past life reggression thing. It took me three tries to do it by myself and I had a fucking trip and it was like an Awakening if you will. So, I followed her, her honesty really helped me give grace to myself and accept that shit is hard sometimes. I’m not explaining this well and I’m trying so hard to not get off topic, but anyway, I did a couple of the free things with her. I finally reached out and I said, “hey, I wanted to do something with you. I’m not sure what” She had a couple offers available at the time. “So I said, I’m interested in this and I’m also interested in this, but I don’t know what’s right for me. Like, what do you think?”

    She offered to do a combo session for me.

    And that was July 11th, 2023. Um, just so everyone knows. I’m talking right now and it’s it’s March 13th 2024. Anyway, uh In that session. Uh, she told she Told me about human design. Of course I’m like. What the fuck? Here we go. Uh, and then she just Started talking.

    Now this girl doesn’t know me very well at this point. She only knows what she’s seen online or what she’s heard from John or our other friends and you know, whatever, whatever it may be. What do I know? Uh, Every single thing she said. Always just like, I was like, are you in my fucking brain?

    It was it was like she was in there. Being like, this is exactly how you feel. And she would say exactly how I was feeling before. I could even get the words out. I think the biggest thing that I got from that first call with her, Was. Rest, um, not letting myself rest giving my permit.

    Giving myself permission Be myself and do my shit. And I it was like I needed her to give me permission to rest. And honestly, I don’t think that session went how she probably would have intended it but it was everything I needed and then some Um, She’s the reason why I quit my toxic job and I mean that as a thank you.

    I am so grateful. She had me put a day on it and I did and I quit, it took me three times. My company was not trying to let me quit. Uh, and I quit. Um, That, that was the end of July, so August of 2023.

    And I know this whole post is gonna have to get broken down into a few, but the point of this is that I am so eternally grateful for Erin and showing me human design among other things.

    Here we are in 2026, so many things have changed and stayed the same. I have so much more to say on the updated topcs and my latest experiences with Erin.

    But I’m going to tap out of this one for now… But i leave you with some ways to learn more about Erin P on your own terms. I would pay her all my money at this point for the snippets of knowledge and truth she shares. She has been a force and guiding light in my life and I am not sure where I would be without her.

    Find Erin P on instagram [@erinpanzarella]
    Check out her resources via her linktree here.

  • Undefined – Fear of Labels – part 1

    Undefined – Fear of Labels – part 1

    Context. Interpretation. Understanding. Judgement. Acceptance. Definition. Perspective. Experience. Knowledge. Algorithm. Rabbit Hole. Blinders.

    “What do you do?” is a common conversational question, it can have a variety of meanings, depending on the context of the question, the tone of the questioner, and the perception of all parties involved.

    I do a lot of things. Don’t label me. Don’t put me in a box. Don’t assume you know me based on anything.

    Are you an artist? sometimes. Are you a parent? Yes. Do you work? yes. What kind of work do you do? can you be more specific?

    I can’t take a compliment, because I wasn’t raised receiving them.

    It’s different now. I finally reached a point of realization, a place of knowing that I can’t control what anyone thinks of me, and I was never here to be approved. I know myself, I know who I am, I know what I like, I know what I am good at, I know my strengths and weaknesses. I am not here to be tolerated.

    To be continued….


  • Dear Parents – part deux

    Dear Parents – part deux

    The following was an email sent to the parent community at my kids school.



  • What Makes A Good Parent?

    In the midst of my increasingly ugly divorce with my soon to be ex-husband we continue to “disagree” on some seemingly universal basics. Now while some of you may be thinking — just don’t talk to him. Move out. Be the bigger person. Please kindly and disrespectfully fuck off. Three years of silence and being the bigger person got me here to this exact point.

    So after a quick google search of “what makes a good father?” for the comic relief, followed by the same search of “what makes a good mother?” it has occured to me that society in this country is FUCKED. (As if we didn’t already know this.)

    Below are the two images of the top things listed for each search as prepared by google.

    As noted these were compiled from various sources across the web. WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK THOUGH?

    *Please note I am fully aware of what MY definition of a good parent is on both sides. We will get to that.

    Can we just talk about the apologize when necessary first?


    To be continued….

  • Stop being so polite..

    Stop being so polite..

    Stop being so polite, and try being honest.

    It has recently come to my attention, awareness, or top of mind that I often find myself surrounded by a bunch of people so worried about offending someone, that nobody wants to say anything at all.

    Enough with the judgement, can we try to lead with curiosity?

    Come from a place of understanding, or wanting to understand. Enough with the judgements, the assumptions, the snarky passive-aggressive bullshit.

    Say what you mean and mean it.


  • Dear Parents,

    Dear Parents,

    Last night at Family Night I watched a little girl be inherently mean to my kid, over and over. My kid is 3. In an effort to let her “handle” the situation on her own, I would check in periodically, I stayed close by.

    She looked so sad and confused. And then I just couldn’t.  I told her when she was ready to leave we could go home and have ice cream (yes I absolutely bribed my kid to leave). We left 10 minutes later. 

     We all have varying degrees of what’s acceptable, but honestly this shit is getting old. I refuse to accept the excuses that “boys will be boys, and that’s just how girls are at that age.”

    WHAT? Nope. Sorry. No thank you.

    Can we stop making excuses for our kids behavior when its shitty? It seems like as parents we often excuse certain things because it is a direct reflection of ourselves, or we become aware of how our words and actions have shaped our own kids consciously or not.

    I believe we can do better. I know for a fact that a 4 year old saying “You make no sense, I am going to ignore you and everything you say” while simultaneously blocking and pushing a younger kid didn’t come from nowhere. Not allowing my kid to try and make friends with any other kid is shitty.

    let’s take a minute and think of how we can be supportive of each other and our children. I implore you to approach life from a place of curiosity and understanding vs. judgement and assumption.

    The displays of judgement and snobbiness that are infecting this neighborhood are ugly. Your kids see you. We all see you.

    To be continued…

  • When I was a kid…

    When I was a kid:

    playdates weren’t so formal, and didn’t always require planning.

    i made rainbow pancakes and threw them out the 10th floor window.

    we would slide in the mud after big rains in the neighbor’s driveway.

    i wanted to be everything and do everything.

    i believed anything was possible.

    grown-ups had issues, and i had no desire to get there fast.

    everybody smiled and said hi when passing in the street.

    we would search for stones in the river and cover ourselves in river clay.

    that’s what I thought my childhood was. until i had a kid —

    To be continued….

  • I don’t tiptoe, I STOMP.

    Everybody is weird these days, maybe awkward is a better way to describe it. But the more I am aware of it, the more I notice people tiptoeing around or dancing around conversations, questions, initiatives, actions, etc. Maybe it’s just me, but I can’t help but wonder WHY — How did we get here? Is it because of COVID and all of the isolation? Is it corporate america taking over? Is it the internet? Is it the apps? Is it helicopter parents? At this point I can only imagine it is some combination of things, and see it from my own perspective, so here’s what i know.

    Why are conversations so hard? Small talk fucking sucks.

    To be continued…

  • Rewrite – What’s With All The Internet Rules?

    When I first started getting tattoos at the ripe age of 15, my mother was pissed. She always used to say “ Well who’s going to hire you, like that?” My response was always the same “ If they won’t hire me because of my tattoos then it’s clearly not someplace I want to work…” I responded the same way every time, and it applies to more than just my body art. Nowadays, there are all these rules and best practices about how to conduct yourself on the internet. 

    Back when I was in high school/college and Facebook was relatively new, there were loads of rules on what to NOT post on your profile so you could project a “young professional” so that job recruiters and potential employers won’t essentially judge you on what you did on your off time. So no party photos, no photos with alcohol, show off your community work, blah blah blah. Out of the 243 profile photos I uploaded to Facebook starting in 2006, 53 of them have alcohol, cigarettes, or display some type of partying. These were some of my favorite profile photos ever (on Facebook).

    So clearly I didn’t follow those rules, and I still don’t. I am the same person IRL as I am on the URL (the internet). My LinkedIn profile is a selfie, and I’m throwing up the peace sign. Should I have some professional headshot? Maybe. But is that me? Nope, not one bit. Am I being judged or passed on by recruiters or potential job opportunities? Maybe. But am I still successful? Yes, I am. 

    So why do people continue to sacrifice their true selves to “fit in”. People started creating multiple accounts so they could post about whatever they want and not be judged or penalized for their posts. IMO things have changed since the time when our parents got jobs. 

    Now what about content posted? What about twitter? How many people lose their jobs over twitter? Too many to count at this point. It’s 2018. The internet knows everything. You can’t hide. Once it’s there, it’s there forever. Especially if you’re popular, or in the public eye. People are watching and essentially waiting for someone to say something fucked up or offensive. [Which brings up an additional point, slightly off topic, but still relevant. Why the FUCK is everyone offended by everything these days?] 

    So why do people continue to sacrifice their true selves to “fit in”. People started creating multiple accounts so they could post about whatever they want and not be judged or penalized for their posts.